SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES from HELP ME, I’M A PARENT
by Dr. Estie Groenewald
(Following previous blog: Why do children need boundaries)
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES?
How a parent approaches boundaries in child rearing has an enormous impact on a child’s self-esteem, how they develop morals, and how well they do academically, socially and in relationships.
Kids understand boundaries. They already live with them—from stripes on playing field to curbs on city streets. When parents establish boundaries, their children have a choice of “Rs”: Stay with in the boundary, they earn a reward, but if they cross the line, they receive repercussion. Once boundaries are in place, it is the child — not the parent — who receive either the reward or the repercussion.
Boundaries will be most successful if you and your children work together to set them, especially older children and adolescents. (Britz 2012). This doesn't mean that you let your children set the boundaries, but that you listen to their input and expect them to listen to your explanations. Even with young children, you can explain why they shouldn't cross the street alone or touch the hot stove. And by encouraging and expecting older children to think of logic reasons as to why their boundaries should be stretched and to talk to you calmly and reasonably, you are teaching them valuable negotiation skills.
- Enact boundaries because your child needs them, not because your child has hurt you
-Make sure the boundaries you set are clear and easy to understand . Don’t make to many rules or they will be hard to enforce
-Eagerly compliment your child’s success at honouring boundaries and deliver appropriate rewards
-Enforce boundaries consistently. Help your kids to experience the impact of crossing boundaries so that it become part of their reality.
And when kids cross one, let them know and hold them accountable. Eventually, he will learn good boundaries for himself and how to
respect others, as well.
-If you are unable to deliver on a repercussion at the time the boundary is crossed, tell your child the issue will be addressed later
and then be sure to do so.
-As you administer repercussions, make sure your children know that you love them. Don’t react harshly or unreasonably. Never give the
impression that you hate them — only that you hate the boundary violation itself.
-It is also important that you model appropriate boundaries for your children: Respect your children. If you don't want your children
coming into your room without knocking, then knock before you enter their rooms. Just as “no hitting” exists as a rule for children in
daycare or schools it must also be a rule you have for yourself.
-Explain that sometimes boundaries at home and boundaries in other families/outside of home may be different.
-Respect your child’s innate boundaries by not forcing your child to do things when they are not yet ready. For example, don't force them
to kiss relatives, don't tickle or physically handle them when they express discomfort, ask permission or at least narrate when you must
torch, handle or otherwise invade their personal space. This is a way to model respect towards the personal boundaries of your child and
others.
-Think about what boundaries or limits are non-negotiable. Guidelines are:
* We look after our things — no destroying property or leaving messes
* We speak nicely to each other — no yelling, taunting, name-calling or put-downs
* We respect and honour each other — no bad manners or poor sportsmanship
* Remember to stay flexible. Boundaries over years sometimes and sometimes even just weeks will need to expand as the child grows
and is ready to experience more responsibility
* Set and honour your own healthy boundaries for rest, sleep, time to relax and recenter. If you continually feel overwhelmed, then
you will find it difficult to parent in a positive way.
Parenting without boundaries is confusing and difficult, not just for parents but for children as well. Children need to know why and when their behaviour is unacceptable, preferably well before we parents run out of patience and energy to address the situation in a positive manner. It is far more positive and constructive to use encouragement and give children responsibility as a way to help them understand boundaries and acceptable behaviour than to control, threaten or over-actively respond with punishment.
Imagine a circle around parents and another around the children in your family. How do power and communication flow between these two circles? The boundary between the parent circle and the child circle in a family can be both too porous or loose or too rigid and inflexible.
When boundaries are too loose in a family, the children have inappropriate power and control. This family is often in a chaos. The children call the shots, but deep down they are terrified of the power they hold over their parents. Even when the children are not exhibiting serious behaviour problems, loose boundaries are seen in parent-child relationships that place too much of the world in the child’s hands.
