SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES from HELP ME, I’M A PARENT by Dr. Estie Groenewald

SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES from HELP ME, I’M A PARENT
by Dr. Estie Groenewald

(Following previous blog: Why do children need boundaries)

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES?

How a parent approaches boundaries in child rearing has an enormous impact on a child’s self-esteem, how they develop morals, and how well they do academically, socially and in relationships.

Kids understand boundaries. They already live with them—from stripes on playing field to curbs on city streets. When parents establish boundaries, their children have a choice of “Rs”: Stay with in the boundary, they earn a reward, but if they cross the line, they receive repercussion. Once boundaries are in place, it is the child — not the parent — who receive either the reward or the repercussion.

Boundaries will be most successful if you and your children work together to set them, especially older children and adolescents. (Britz 2012). This doesn't mean that you let your children set the boundaries, but that you listen to their input and expect them to listen to your explanations. Even with young children, you can explain why they shouldn't cross the street alone or touch the hot stove. And by encouraging and expecting older children to think of logic reasons as to why their boundaries should be stretched and to talk to you calmly and reasonably, you are teaching them valuable negotiation skills.

- Enact boundaries because your child needs them, not because your child has hurt you
-Make sure the boundaries you set are clear and easy to understand . Don’t make to many rules or they will be hard to enforce
-Eagerly compliment your child’s success at honouring boundaries and deliver appropriate rewards
-Enforce boundaries consistently. Help your kids to experience the impact of crossing boundaries so that it become part of their reality.
And when kids cross one, let them know and hold them accountable. Eventually, he will learn good boundaries for himself and how to
respect others, as well.
-If you are unable to deliver on a repercussion at the time the boundary is crossed, tell your child the issue will be addressed later
and then be sure to do so.
-As you administer repercussions, make sure your children know that you love them. Don’t react harshly or unreasonably. Never give the
impression that you hate them — only that you hate the boundary violation itself.
-It is also important that you model appropriate boundaries for your children: Respect your children. If you don't want your children
coming into your room without knocking, then knock before you enter their rooms. Just as “no hitting” exists as a rule for children in
daycare or schools it must also be a rule you have for yourself.
-Explain that sometimes boundaries at home and boundaries in other families/outside of home may be different.
-Respect your child’s innate boundaries by not forcing your child to do things when they are not yet ready. For example, don't force them
to kiss relatives, don't tickle or physically handle them when they express discomfort, ask permission or at least narrate when you must
torch, handle or otherwise invade their personal space. This is a way to model respect towards the personal boundaries of your child and
others.
-Think about what boundaries or limits are non-negotiable. Guidelines are:
* We look after our things — no destroying property or leaving messes
* We speak nicely to each other — no yelling, taunting, name-calling or put-downs
* We respect and honour each other — no bad manners or poor sportsmanship
* Remember to stay flexible. Boundaries over years sometimes and sometimes even just weeks will need to expand as the child grows
and is ready to experience more responsibility
* Set and honour your own healthy boundaries for rest, sleep, time to relax and recenter. If you continually feel overwhelmed, then
you will find it difficult to parent in a positive way.

Parenting without boundaries is confusing and difficult, not just for parents but for children as well. Children need to know why and when their behaviour is unacceptable, preferably well before we parents run out of patience and energy to address the situation in a positive manner. It is far more positive and constructive to use encouragement and give children responsibility as a way to help them understand boundaries and acceptable behaviour than to control, threaten or over-actively respond with punishment.

Imagine a circle around parents and another around the children in your family. How do power and communication flow between these two circles? The boundary between the parent circle and the child circle in a family can be both too porous or loose or too rigid and inflexible.

When boundaries are too loose in a family, the children have inappropriate power and control. This family is often in a chaos. The children call the shots, but deep down they are terrified of the power they hold over their parents. Even when the children are not exhibiting serious behaviour problems, loose boundaries are seen in parent-child relationships that place too much of the world in the child’s hands.

Set Clear Boundaries from HELP ME, I'M A PARENT by Dr Estie Groenewald

'n Paar woorde deur die direkteur aan die begin van 2014

'n Paar woorde deur die direkteur aan die begin van 2014

Dit is die laaste uitgawe van die Nuusbrief vir 2013! Agter ons lê ‘n baie gebeurtenisvolle jaar, sommige gebeure wat ons dankbaar gelaat het en ander wat ons diep verontrus.

Highlights of the year was without a doubt the very successful fundraising event for the Youth Centre, a festive Reunion, two substantial Lotto allocations and nomination as the Ons Stad organisation of the year.

The year also brought news that raised serious concern about the future of the Non Profit sector. The court case by Nawongo to secure improved fun-ding from the Department of Social Development has had the result that only certain services will be funded due to the prioritisation of services for the limited amount of funding available. Due to the relative low prioritisation level of substance abuse, all the services rendered by the Aurora Centre will not receive any funding unless a more substantial allocation is made by Treasury.

In spite of the good and bad that crossed our roads, there continued to be a high demand for services in terms of prevention, training, out patients/community based treatment and in patients. Wonderful work have been done, which were impossible without the commitment and dedication of staff who not only has to spend a productive day at work, but who also have to see to their family responsibilities and unforeseen events that have a very personal impact. Events like becoming a mother, grandfather or grandmother, retirement, death of a family member, depression, illness and so many other unknown and often unforeseen interferences in our day to day lives. It is therefore no surprise that we so desperately look forward to the end of the year to experience a sense of normality and a quiet time with our families and friends.

Mag elkeen wat hierdie Nuusbrief lees, ‘n geseënde en vreugdevolle Kersfees geniet en die nuwe jaar uitgerus en met nuwe ywer binnegaan. Die tempo vir 2014 gaan beslis nie afneem nie. Koop die tyd uit!

Direkteur: G.H.J. Kruger 

Tips for a Sober Festive Season

12 Tips for Staying Sober During the Holiday Season

Select tips applicable in your situation, Greetings Aurora Staff

Remaining sober can be especially hard during the holidays.  Family gatherings, holiday parties, and other social occasions can be very difficult for someone who is in early recovery.  Thoughts of past holiday occasions often bring up memories of celebratory drinking, drugs, or gambling. 

Although it can be very hard to get used to the idea of a sober holiday season, especially when other people around you are seemingly having a great time celebrating by using substances or gambling, completing a stay at a treatment center is an accomplishment that you should be proud of. 

Take this opportunity to celebrate not only the holidays, but also your new life of sobriety, which is something really worth celebrating.  If you find yourself struggling during the holiday season, please remember that you are not alone.  Help is only a phone call or meeting away!  Here are some helpful and practical tips to make staying sober easier:
1 Plan each and every day of your holiday season:  Plan to spend the majority of your time with friends and family who are supportive of your recovery.

 2 Find a meeting in your area: Many groups have special meetings during the holidays to share their experience, strength and hope. Check the local papers for a meeting in your area. 

3 Ask for support from family and friends: Those who are truly supportive of your recovery will be happy to help you throughout the holidays.

 4 Have a list of ten people you can call: Make a list and check it twice. Carry your cell phone and list of names at all times.  

5 Don’t forget about regular exercise: Regular exercise is an essential component of any balanced recovery program.  

6 Stay away from slippery places: There is absolutely no reason to ever check out your former favorite establishments.  

7 Create new traditions to replace your old using patterns: Buy a new board game or take the family on a sleigh ride.  Use your imagination, be creative, & have fun.

8 Write out a daily gratitude list: The quickest cure to get you out of the holiday blues is by counting your blessings and being grateful for what you have every morning.

 9 Volunteer your services to a charitable organization: There are many people in your community who are less fortunate than you. You will be helping not only the needy but yourself! 

10 Write a letter to yourself – “How I stayed sober over the holidays:” The act of writing your ideas on paper is very powerful. Write down all the activities and events that will help you have healthy, happy, and sober holiday season.

 11 Avoid H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired):  If you are hungry, get something to eat. If you are angry, talk to somebody about it.  If you are lonely, go to a meeting or call a friend.  If you are tired, get a good night’s sleep. 

12 Live one day at a time and enjoy your sobriety: Stay in the moment and live one day at a time. Never mind about what happened or what could happen. Enjoy today. Live today. Celebrate your sobriety!

Source: Addiction Recovery Basics. Retrieved October 7, 2011 from http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/alcoholism-recovery-12-steps-to-stay-sober-over-the-christmas-holidays/

Group Anthem November 2013

The therapists ask the group to write and perform a

group anthem as part of therapy – below one of the

anthems.

Group Anthem November 2013

AURORA

I’m gonna keep the faith

And every day I’ll find a way

Cause I’m stronger than

The fear within

Like a flower in the rain

Like a mountain high

I will touch the sky

I give hope to me

Cause I believe

Like a flame will turn to fire

I’m gonna keep the faith

I’m gonna keep the faith

I’m gonna keep the faith

Aurora deur N.Coetzer

AURORA  deur N. Coetzer

In Bromptonweg is daar ‘n huis      

Die beste wenners gaan daar tuis

Aurora jy is ons lief en leed

Ons wil van geen ander plek iets weet

Met Jesus aan ons sy

Kan ons tog nie meer ly

Want Aurora is die plek

Waar ons aan ons probleme  werk

Soos die drie weke kom en gaan

Sal verlange in ons bly staan

Aurora is die plek waar ons moet wees

Om te kan genees

Kom ons vat nou ‘n hand

En maak ‘n verskil in die land

Aurora jy is ons lief en leed

Ons wil van geen ander plek iets weet!!!

Recovering from Codependency: The Truth About People-Pleasing by Candace Plattor

Recovering from Codependency: The Truth About People-Pleasing                  by Candace Plattor

The term “codependency” can mean different things to different people. Over the years, a number of authors have offered a variety of definitions for this difficult dynamic that seems to affect more people than we can imagine.

My definition is a very simple one: “codependency” occurs when we put other people’s needs ahead of our own on a fairly consistent basis. In truth, when we are codependent, we are also people-pleasers who will go to virtually any lengths to avoid unpleasant conflict with others.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

You are tired of giving and giving to other people, without getting much in return.

You are concerned about the pain and/or abuse that you are experiencing in your relationships.

You feel sorry for yourself, baffled about why this is happening to you but not knowing what to do about it.

You try to convince yourself that the problems you are experiencing aren't really that bad.

“BUT I’M SUCH A NICE PERSON!”

Because codependents consistently put others’ needs ahead of their own, they often believe that they are “nice” people.

“I’m doing what everybody wants me to do,” you tell yourself, “so why do I get mistreated so much of the time?” Indeed, this will be a real dilemma for you as a people-pleaser. If you are codependent, it probably doesn't make sense to you that you are being treated abusively by the very people you are trying so hard to accommodate!

But the truth may be that you are not really as “nice” as you would like to believe you are, because you are not saying yes to everyone else just to be kind to them. Nor do you do more than your fair share of tasks because you truly want to be of service over and over without any kind of reciprocal arrangement.

When you say yes (especially when you really want to say NO), you are actually protecting yourself from having to face the potentially painful consequences that can result when someone is angry or disappointed with you for not agreeing to do what they want you to do.

Even though you are really trying to look out for yourself by side-stepping these negative outcomes, which could be seen as a self-caring intention, it is unfortunately not a healthy form of self-care when it is done out of resistance to unpleasantness.

WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US

In order for co-dependence to be part of any relationship, two things have to happen ~ the people-pleaser has to say yes a lot more often than no, and the other person has to not only accept this but also begin to expect it in the relationship. Once that dynamic is in place, it is difficult to break the cycle.

When you say yes consistently to another person, and when you accept any form of abuse as part of any of your relationships, you are essentially teaching the other people that it is all right for them to treat you that way. Although you might not be aware of it, you actually do have as much power and control as the other person does, because all of us can really only control ourselves.

 It is only when you choose to give your power and control to another person that you begin to feel the sting of codependency, because the truth is that no one can disrespect you without your permission.

SHIFTING OUT OF PEOPLE-PLEASING INTO HEALTHY ASSERTIVENESS ~ HOW TO BEGIN

If you are experiencing codependency and people-pleasing in any of your significant relationships (which can include those with parents, children, siblings, spouses, partners, friends, bosses or co-workers), then there has likely been a cycle established in which you have been reacting in a “passive” manner while the other person has been acting “aggressively” towards you.

The healthy balance is one of “assertiveness.” This occurs when both people speak and behave towards each other in respectful ways, taking full responsibility for themselves and their own choices without resorting to blaming, shaming or threatening each other in any way.

But change always has to start with oneself. If you are in relationships that are already entrenched in codependent dynamics, you will need to make some important changes within yourself before you can expect to see any change in the behaviour of those around you.

You can begin by deciding that it is time to learn new ways of being in relationship with yourself, such as treating yourself more respectfully and saying yes to yourself more often. You will also need to become willing to learn how to deal with the negative reactions you might encounter when you stop being so accommodating and available to the others in your life. This will prevent you from reacting from a place of fear in your relationships.

When you are starting the journey away from people-pleasing and seeking a new level of emotional health, you may find that self-help books about codependency can be a great aid. You may also want to check out some self-help groups such as Codependents Anonymous or 16 Steps for Discovery and Empowerment, to find others who are on the same journey as you are. As well, you might want to reach out to a skilled counsellor for help, as you begin to test out new boundaries and healthier ways of relating to others.

THE GIFT OF ASSERTIVENESS

Becoming more real and genuine in your relationships is a gift you give to both yourself and to the others in your life. Learning how to tell people the truth about how you feel, as well as about what you are (and aren't) willing to do for them is an act of love, honesty and personal integrity.

As you learn how to deal with potentially unpleasant reactions from others, you can begin to change your people-pleasing patterns. This is the key to unlocking a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships