SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES from HELP ME, I’M A PARENT
by Dr. Estie Groenewald
PARENTS NEED BOUNDARIES TOO
Always keep in mind that you are NOT your child’s friend. You are their parent. You have years of wisdom; you watch your child draw their first breath and felt that awesome sense of responsibility as you become a family of three. Don’t devalue what a parent is by trying to simply be a “friend”, it is a parents job to help their children become adults.
Being a friend to your child is one way to sidestep the conflict, responsibility and pain of being a pa-rent. It is also a good place to hide if you don't know how to parent. But your role in your child’s life is to be a parent. Being a parent is not an adversarial relationship, but one in which clear lines are drawn about who is in charge. When you find yourself and your child thinking alike, or spending a lot of time hanging out together, it may be time to rethink your role. If you are not creating a solid, secure base from which your child can explore the world, you are probably a friend rather than a parent.
Understand that one of our most important jobs as parents is to stay loving and separate from our children. We do this by clearly defining our principles, staying in our role as a parent and sticking to our bottom lines. Pincus (2013) mentions that we must think of a boundary as the line you draw around yourself as to define where you end and where your child begins.
We also have to define boundaries for our own behavior. Just as “no hitting” exists as a rule for children in daycare or schools it may also be a rule we have for ourselves. Maybe we need anger boundaries or even boundaries for guilt feelings. Just as our children are given new rules and boundaries as they get older, we need to give ourselves new rules and boundaries.
We need to continue with self-evaluation and boundaries procedures throughout our parenting career, even when we become parents to adult children.
How do you know if you might be blurring boundaries as a parent? Here are some signs:
· Doing for your child what he can (or should) do for himself.
· Constantly asking questions; interrogating your child over everything.
· Letting your child invade your boundaries as a couple — making your kids the centre focus at all times.
· Over-sharing with your child about your life; treating them like a friend rather than your child.
· Giving up your authority and allowing your child to take control of the household.
· Living through your child vicariously; feeling as if their achievements are yours, and their failures as yours as well.
· Your child is upset, and you fall apart.
CONCLUSION
To set clear boundaries is not always as easy. And let’s face it — kids push the boundaries every day, all the time. They are wired to test us and see how far they can go; it’s in their nature. As pa-rents, we sometimes cross boundaries ourselves in our attempts to fix things for them. Understand that one of our most important jobs as parents is to stay loving and separate from our children. We do this by clearly defining our principles, staying in our role as a parent and sticking to our bottom lines.
When boundaries between parents and children are too rigid, all of the power and control lies within the parent circle. Not only in “no back talk” the rule, no real communication takes place between two circles. In a family with too rigid boundaries, children often move into an adolescence of withdrawal or extreme rebellion.
Remember that setting of boundaries is a way of disciplining your children. It starts already when your baby is very small and continues to be necessary until they are grownup and have a family of their own.
Discipline techniques may come and go, but one constant in all discipline techniques is that parents must set boundaries for their children. Boundaries let children know what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviuor is not. For young children, boundaries keep them safe — don't cross the street alone, don't talk to strangers, etc. For older children, boundaries make them pleasant people to live with, work with, and play with. Without boundaries, children will have problems getting along with others their entire life.
(Feel free to share your thoughts on boundaries with us.)
